Spiritual Belief

I learned something in therapy today that really gave me language for something I’ve been feeling. Dr. Susan talked to me about something called “spiritual bypassing.”

It’s not about spirituality or faith being bad, and it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t find comfort in God, Scripture, heaven, or our beliefs. It’s more about what happens when we use those things to move around the pain instead of allowing ourselves to move through it.

Things like “he’s in a better place,” “God needed another angel,” “it was God’s will,” or “we just have to trust God” can absolutely be comforting and meaningful. But sometimes those statements can unintentionally make us feel like we’re supposed to find peace before we’ve had a chance to actually experience the grief, anger, confusion, sadness, disbelief, or even the questions that come with losing someone.

It really connected with something I’ve experienced in my own life. I watched my dad lose my mom and, in many ways, never really acknowledge or process what happened. I think some of that grief became emotionally buried instead of worked through. And it made me realize that I don’t want to do that with Ryan.

I want to be able to believe in heaven and still say, “I miss him. This hurts. I’m angry. I don’t understand. I wish he were here.” I want to be able to have faith and still have really hard days. I want to be able to pray and still cry. I don’t think those things contradict each other.

Dr. Susan said that when people are uncomfortable with my grief and try to quickly give me scripture, sermons, devotionals, or explanations, I can simply say, “I’m sorry if my grief makes you uncomfortable, but I have to go through this journey.”

And that really stuck with me.

I don’t think I need everyone to understand my grief or know what to say. I just need the freedom to experience it honestly. Sometimes I don’t need an explanation or something to make it better. Sometimes I just need someone to sit with me in the fact that this is awful and that I miss him.

I’m not rejecting faith. I think I’m actually trying to make room for faith and grief to exist together. I don’t want to use one to silence the other.

I think that’s what “moving through grief instead of around it” means for me.