Four Months

Four months today.

Four months since I lost my son, my love, my life, my everything.

I've learned a lot about time in these four months. It doesn't heal like people say it will. It just keeps going... with or without me.

Some days it moves so slowly I can feel every minute. Other days I look up and a whole week is gone, and I can't tell you where it went.

Every morning I don't believe it's true... But... it is.

I've learned that grief doesn't follow a schedule. It doesn't care that I have responsibilities, or that I'm supposed to be okay by now. It shows up in the grocery store. In the car. In my office. In the quiet of my own house.

Sometimes it's loud. Sometimes it just sits next to me and says nothing. But it's there, always.

I've learned who shows up. The people who call, who text, who say his name without flinching. I see you. It matters more than you know.

I've also learned that I'm not the same man I was on May 28th. I'm quieter. I'm slower. I'm tired... more than I've ever been.

But I'm still here, existing... and most days, that's all I have to give.

Four months in, I don't have answers... I don't have a lesson or a silver lining...

I just have pain, longing, emptiness, sadness and tears. Lots of tears.

I have learned that this unrelenting pain and sadness is love, with no place to go.

It stays with me. It lives in me. It walks beside me.

I know I'm still a dad. Not the way I was, and not the way I want to be, but I am still Ryan's dad.

I love you, Ryan. Always and Forever.