I'm not OK

With every step I think I'm making, I take a step or two back. It's as if I were walking through quicksand. I'm hardly moving as is. But if I stand still, I sink.

The why's are consuming me.

Why did he leave his friend's house to go home when he did. He was sleeping on the couch when his friend went to bed.

Why am I, and everyone who loves him, left holding this bottomless hole.

Why is this happening to us.

I'm not ok.

Small talk, which I used to truly enjoy, is a new form of torture. When does small talk not involve your kids. I was so proud of Ryan. I'd talk about him every chance I had. I had no idea how much of those conversations revolved around him until they couldn't anymore.

I'm not ok.

I have no desire to be around people. Conversations inevitably lead back to something to do with him. It hurts too much.

I'm not ok.

The pain of this loss isn't just emotional. It's physical. In my shoulders, my neck, my back. It hurts just to breathe.

I'm not ok.

I have no desire, no dreams, no vision of the future. The apathy is palpable. It's like my brain is actively working against me.

I'm not ok.

And unfortunately... it is what it is.